Fitting Forty: Time to Deal

It’s been a few months since my last blog post. Frankly, my life picked up steam quite quickly at the beginning of 2019. I started a new job since I got my certification, I participated in an opera, and working on a few other projects. With all of these things on my plate, let’s just say time was extremely hard to come by.

I am a person that feels that if I am not involved in more than one thing at a time, I will wither and die! I do not know where I get this thought pattern from. I suppose I have a need to feel productive. There are so many areas in my life I that I am not proud of and, in a way, my “busy-ness” keeps me feeling useful. Those “not so proud” moments, when remembered, bring me a feeling of failure that is sometimes difficult to shake off. Being in my 40’s, I feel like I am playing catch up. In the process playing catch up, its time address those dark areas. Its time for me to address wounds of my past so I can begin the healing process.

In late 2007, I became pregnant with my first child. I am not going to say I was happy about it. As a matter of fact, I was quite angry. I did not want to have a child, at least not at the time and definitely not with the man I allowed to impregnate me. I was going to become a single mom. I would have to pool all my resources, raise my child on my own, and I live at home with my mom. I also broke a vow to myself. I told myself not to have a child without being married. Here I go doing the exact opposite of what I said I was not going to do. I am also battling mountains of debt so how am I going to raise a child with all burdens I already on my plate? On top of that, the doctors told me I was going to have an extremely difficult/high risk pregnancy because of being morbidly obese. That is more fuel to my anxiety fire.

I thought about what my options were including abortion. I went back and forth with myself about doing the procedure but ultimately decided against it. I remember when I decided to keep my child. It’s when I first heard my baby’s heartbeat. I remember smiling to myself. There is a whole other life inside of me. I then told myself how can you take away that life, that heartbeat? Now I do want to interject here that I staunchly believe in a woman’s right to choose. I understand that keeping a child is never a black and white decision. Every individual should have their own freedom to decide what is best for them. Now with that said, I was still very tenuous about having a child but since I made the decision to keep the baby; I had to prepare for the baby coming . At least that’s what I thought.

It was a cold day in 2008. I believe it was January. I was getting ready for work but I was not feeling so well. The day before, I went to the doctor’s office to get my monthly exam. They did an ultrasound but the doctor could not find the baby’s heartbeat. They dismissed it because I was obese and the baby could have been in a position where it was difficult to pick up the sound. I ended up going home that night and went on the next day per usual. While I was getting ready, all of a sudden I had a really bad headache. My stomach started to cramp and I became nauseous. The nausea was so violent, I began spitting up blood. I told my mom what was happening and we asked my neighbor to take me to the emergency room.

When I finally arrived, I was triaged and I sat for hours in the lobby waiting to see a doctor. My neighbor and I kept going to the front desk to see someone sooner but our pleas fell upon deaf ears. By the time I was taken back for treatment, my baby fell out of my womb and I was forced into labor to release the rest of the after birth. The pain I felt was indescribable. There was blood everywhere. My blood-my and baby’s blood was on the table where I laid and on the floor. I felt like I was dying. My baby was dead.

The nurse told me I had a boy. In the back of my mind, I knew that already. I already named him. I would talk to him. I imagined him responding. I imagined his voice. My imaginations of my son’s voice would eventually cease.

Since that time, I did not talk about my miscarriage. I suppressed the feelings of anger, hurt, guilt, relief, guilt for feeling relief and every other negative emotion in-between. I wanted to forget I was ever pregnant. I wanted to forget the shame, the pain, and the anguish. For a while, I succeeded. I forgot I was ever pregnant.

Recently, a friend of mine shared an article called “I Had a Miscarriage & Yes, I Flushed”. It is about one’s woman’s experience with miscarriage twice. Reading this article brought back all the memories of my miscarriage and all the feelings I had during that time. The memories were fresh although the event happened 11 years ago. The reasons why they were fresh and the wounds started to hurt all over again is because I never dealt with it. I suppressed, I forgot.

I Had A Miscarriage & Yes, I Flushed

This month, this same friend and her sister hosted a woman’s support group where miscarriage was discussed. I made myself go because I needed to face my past. I finally got the strength to talk about my miscarriage. It was emotional and yes I cried immensely. After the fact, I did feel better. I was grateful for the information given to myself and the other attendees. I also took solace in what my friend said to us, “You are still a mother”. I never took on that title, mother. I had a mother, My sisters are mothers, I have friends who are mothers but I never thought I could claim the title “mother”. My baby is dead and I never had another one. For a while, I thought I was not fit to be a mother. The decision to take my baby away was made for me. In hind sight, that kept me from not having children. I did not want to be reminded of the pain of losing another child and reminded of not being worthy of being called a “mother”.

I do not know why my baby was taking away. Maybe there is no intangible reason at all. Maybe my karma just did not allow for me to be a mom. Who knows. What I do know is that it happened. I had a miscarriage and I need to heal. One way I can foster healing is to honor my child’s life. He existed and because he existed; I am a mother.

One of the tools I was given at the support group was writing a letter to my child. I finally sat down and wrote this letter to my son Joseph Anthony McDonald – The Dreamer.

Dear Joseph,

I first want to say that I am very sorry I never did this prior today. I lost you 11 years ago. To be honest, I wanted to forget you. The way you were taken from me was very painful and I wish I never went through that again. That is very selfish of me to want to forget another human being I helped to create. I do not expect you to understand. I am not sure if I understand but this is how I felt.
Despite feeling one of wanting to forget, I also live with feeling two which is regret. My regret goes on two VERY different perspectives. Perspective one is having a relationship with your father that made you and perspective two that you never had the opportunity to experience life. I suppose I should add another perspective which is not able to be a mom to you.
I sometimes look at mothers interacting with their sons and I imagine what would of our interactions have been like? Would we have been close? Would I be running you back and forth to your various activities? Would you have been a good student? Would you be an athlete, a creative, or both? Would you want to be a musician like me? If you did, I would hope you would have liked to practice because your mom did not! 🙂 What would your favorite color be? How would your voice change depending on who was in the room? Would you have a favorite pair of shoes that would be so ratty that I would want to throw them away? Would you get mad at me? Would I have to scold you? Would you love me? Would you want to hug me? Would I want to hug and kiss you? I would have, every day and every night.
Joseph, I wish we had time together. At this time, I do not think there would be another after you. I seriously doubt I would be a mother any other. I supposed since you came and left so quickly in my life, I don’t want to replace you nor possibly lose another child.
I started chanting for you Joseph. Your energy has been reabsorbed into the Universe. Perhaps your karma will have you born again to parents who would love and care for you the way you deserve. That is my prayer for you Joseph.
I am sorry I forgot you. I am sorry I regretted trying to bring you in the world. Most of all, I am sorry you did not get a chance to live.
You will forever be in my heart Joseph. I promise I will never forget you again. You are my son and I your mom. I love you very much.

Sincerely,
Your mom Cindy

XOXO – CAMM

 

Fitting Forty: Oooo Mama! She’s a “FAST GIRL!!!!!”

When I was younger adult, I was a part of a church in the city where I went to college. I was the choir director during my time there. This position automatically marked me as a “leader” in the church. During my time, the leaders and parishioners were place on fasts from time to time to promote spiritual growth and cohesion among one another. I would often find participating in those fasts very challenging because  I was very obese and I would often use food as a way calm my turbulent emotions. Needless to say, I did not always stick to the menu given. Instead of achieving spiritual growth, I would often posses feelings of failure and defeat.

Fast forward approximately 20 years, I encounter a life changing event of extreme weight loss. Although part of the journey involved changing the way I ate, I found myself exploring ideas on maintaining my weight loss that made sense. Of course I would still be mindful of watching what I ate and also maintaining a regular exercise routine however me being who I am, I have to up the ante! Last year involved lots of rigorous exercise and participating in 5k’s. This year has been a bit calmer. I still will do my fitness events, running, and the gym on occasion but I find myself exploring more mindful practices like yoga. I also re-visited my eating practices and went vegan. Read Fitting Forty: Going Vegan! to get a better understanding of that journey:

Fitting Forty: Going Vegan!

So it seems like the next leg of this journey to explore is fasting. I thought about using some fasting methods, but I must be honest, I hesitated since I was so bad at this practice previously. I had a conversation with a couple of friends that lives in Tampa. One of the friends is very fit and we were trading some of our various healthy practices like eating, exercise, etc. He then began to tell me how he practices intermittent fasting. I immediately shut down! “Wow, I am not sure if I am able to do that” I said to him. He replied, “Try it Cynthia! You will be doing intermittent fasting in no time!”

Months after that conversation, I was speaking to my significant other about fasting. I was telling him how I was doing some research on how to intermittently fast and also the benefits of this practice. He does a 24 hour fast every week normally on a Wednesday where he would only partake of certain liquids like coffee, tea, water, etc. After taking into consideration my previous conversation with my buddy in Florida along with my significant other’s practice, I came to the conclusion that intermittent fasting seemed like a natural progression since transitioning my diet to vegan. I started doing intermittent fasting everyday for a week and it was surprisingly fairly easy to do. I just adhered to my eating window and made sure to get in as much water as possible during my fasting periods. Also implementing spirulina and chlorella made it easier to stick with it too. As I mentioned in my previous post, one of the many great effects of spirulina is that its a natural appetite suppressant. Taking these two algae based super foods made it doable to add intermittent fasting as a daily practice.

About a week or so later, I had another conversation with my significant other and he suggested that I also implement the 24-36 hour liquid fast on the same day he does. He was telling me the benefits that he reaped doing this practice for years like looking younger than he is and also clarity of mind to name a few. I was a bit hesitant only because I remember doing a fast like that in the past and how horrible I was at it. I had to remind myself that I am not the same person that I was 20 years ago. I am older, wiser, experienced in adhering to a healthier lifestyle, and I am more disciplined.

The first day I did the 24-36 hour fast, I was fine for the majority of the day until – I went to yoga! I got into the sequences. Everything was cool at first. Once the sequence got more challenging, I found myself dizzy and light headed! For a moment, the room was no where NEAR still! I was scared out of my wits! Once the sequence slowed down, the room did too (LOL).  I gave myself a pep talk and realized that I was fairly new to this practice and it will take some time for my body to get use to it. When I fasted the following week and went to yoga, I was not as dizzy. I also made sure I took in more water. I learned from my recovery from surgery days that dizziness and being light-headed were often signs of being dehydrated. That was a clue to drink up!

I am happy to report that when I did the next after last class, I was not dizzy and light headed. Fasting is now a daily practice. I do feel some of the benefits physically and intrinsically.

I recently read a book called “The New – Fast Girls- Fasting: An Ancient Practice for the Modern Girl” by Jasai Madden. In the book, she describes her personal journey she endured with fasting which in case was similar to mine. She also gave dynamite information on the benefits of fasting and great references to encourage one to further study. Some of the benefits that she mentioned are:

1. Losing weight physically and emotionally when being mindful while engaging in the practice.
2. Clearing the palate of cravings for such things like excessive caffeine, cigarettes, drugs, and sugar.
3. Balances the body’s metabolism.
4. Provides relief from sinus issues.
5. Can help shrink fibroids.
6. Can help regulate menstrual cycles.
7. Mindful fasting can help regulate emotional states so one is not as angry and calm one’s demeanor.
8. Fasting can help clear skin and strengthen hair.
9. Doctors also use fasting in cases to treat a plethora of diseases and ween patients off of prescription medicines.

There are even more benefits of fasting not mentioned in the previous list. Here are a few links to check out on the benefits of fasting that you can explore:

10 Benefits of Fasting that will Surprise You.

Intermittent fasting may have ‘profound health benefits’

7 Benefits of Fasting + the Best Types of Fasting

The New Fast Girls: Fasting: An Ancient Practice For the Modern Girl

I personally have witnessed that changing to a vegan way of life and implementing a fasting practice has been very beneficial in the short time I’ve been doing it. I have lost weight (about 25 pounds), I don’t take anymore prescription drugs, my blood pressure is normal, I am more aware, and my temperament is more even. I would have to say the greatest benefit I have reaped from this practice is getting through the negative thoughts of “I can’t” because of my failures in the past. I’ve learned that when you approach practices differently, you often can meet success where you previously failed. It is all about YOUR mindset and how to change for the better!

If you are looking to kick start your weight loss routine, I highly recommend fasting. There is a plethora of information out there that you can glean in order to do it properly. I also highly recommend picking up Jasai’s book from Amazon.com. She gives excellent guidance and tools for anyone that wants to add fasting as a way of life.

I personally look at practices like fasting as self-care. Self care is so important because it can help improve your quality of life. I’m proud to say I am a FAST GIRL AND I AM NOT ASHAMED OF IT!  I highly encourage YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU! Adopt practices to make your life the best one it can be!

• C.A.M.M.

 

 

Fitting Forty: Going Vegan!

 

One of my besties asked me not too long ago to watch my god son in the afternoon because her mom who does it normally was not available. Since I am currently in between gigs, I happily agreed. As I spent time with him playing with spinning tops and watching Coco, such an AWESOME MOVIE, we started to talk about food and specifically being vegan. I am not sure how we landed on the subject but low and behold we were there. I also like to make this disclaimer that my god son is TEN!

My god son truly loves a variety of videos on YouTube and happened to show me the one referenced in this post. 7 Day Vegan Challenge Baby: Solves all yo Problems! The video is made by The Odd 1’s Out. He makes a series of videos about a plethora of subject matter with his own comedic spin. To add to the spin, he depicts himself as a doodled cartoon character. As I watched the video and chuckled learning his take of going vegan for a week, my god son turned to me and said, “You should do the challenge Cindy and I am going to call you and check on you.” I looked into my god son’s warm eyes and soft face and agreed. I said, “for you Love, ANYTHING!”

After I agreed to do this challenge, I text a fellow Buddhist member that I practice with that I am going to go Vegan for 7 days. He messaged me back and basically told me he did not believe me! Oh the NERVE! (insert my audible sigh!) The reason he did not believe me is because we had a conversation prior that he was on his way to going vegan however I was quite vocal about my trepidation on doing the same. I was very concerned mostly about getting enough protein. Since I had a duodenal switch procedure in 2014 which is the most invasive gastric bypass surgery, my doctor and his staff were very poignant about me consuming enough protein everyday. That was the main reason I was very hesitant about going the route of a vegan but I had to admit the idea of embracing this lifestyle had much appeal to me.

I started my challenge on June 25, 2018. Little by little, I purchased foods to support this lifestyle (i.e. Whole Foods and Mariano’s) and trucked on through. The first day was not too bad. I ate what I allowed myself, drank tea, and even attended my Monday night yoga class. As the days went on, I was starting to feel tired. I found myself sleeping in later than usual and I did not know why. I voiced this concern to my yoga instructor and she told me more than likely my body was starting to rid itself of toxins. I also guessed that I should find more ways to increase my protein.

The fore mentioned Buddhist member told me about super foods called Spirulina and Chlorella. My yoga instructor also corroborated the benefits of these super foods. Spirulina is an algae that is dried and prepared as a food or food additive, which is a rich source of many vitamins and minerals. It also has a very high concentration of protein that comes with a vast number of health benefits. Spirulina can found in tablet, powder or capsule form. Like Spirulina,  chlorella is another algae that spouts a number of nutrients that also support and strengthen the immune system.

Although these super foods are both algae based, they are different. One difference is starting with their looks. Chlorella is a green algae, whereas spirulina is blue-green in color. Chlorella’s green hue demonstrates that it’s richer in chlorophyll than spirulina. I have included a few links that give a break down of both super foods attached at the end of my post.

Now back to my experience on this challenge. After day 4, I started to feel a bit more of normalcy. Also by that time, I decided to make a plant based diet a way of life. I started feeling better in my body and I felt that I was more aware of my surroundings. One really big benefit that I was very happy about is that I was able to complete a couple of races and I did not DIE! Yayyyyy Vegan!

As time went on, I also discovered that I actually lost weight. Since going vegan at the end of June, I actually lost 16 pounds without effort! I just noticed when I woke up one morning I looked different. I decided to weigh myself and low and behold my scale confirmed what I was feeling. I started this challenge at a weight of 226 pounds. I now weigh a total of 210 pounds! What in the entire WHAT?????!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I even shocked myself that I don’t crave certain foods. I would walk by different eateries I frequented in the past and was not phased. One day, my sister asked me to take her to a fast food place not too far from our house. She was staying with a girlfriend of hers that eats very healthy. After consuming 5 days straight kale and other twigs (her words not mine) my sister really wanted something greasy and decided upon chicken wings. When we got to the window to get her food, the smell of the wings hit me like a ton of bricks! I literally felt myself getting sick! I shoved the wings over to her very quickly and turned my head in the opposite direction. I was so busy with my new head position that I did not notice a pedestrian walking in front of my truck. I am glad he called out because he is alive and I do not have higher insurance premiums!

Another thing I began to do with much vigor is cooking. Now since I live my mom and 2 sisters, they would normally cook a majority of the meals in the house. We would all contribute to the groceries, but I would let them handle the food prep because they are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy better than I! I realized with a quickness that I better bust out my chef’s hat because although my mom and sisters are great cooks, I knew they were not so quick to acquiesce to my new diet.

There are also many great vegan restaurants in my city, but I do not have money to constantly spend on eating out. I started looking up recipes and experimenting in the kitchen. I even prepared a vegan meal for another friend and fellow Buddhist member this past Sunday and I am happy to report he is still alive! 😉

Organic Chilli with sauteed onions and mushrooms.

So being mostly vegan is now a way of life. I say mostly vegan  because I still eat honey. Technically since it is manufactured by an animal, it is not considered vegan. I still eat it because one it is a super food and two it’s DELICIOUS! I just do it sparingly. I also like the way I feel eating this way. I remember back in 2014 how my body started making physical changes because I changed the way I approached food. I feel this time around my body is transitioning again for the better.

If you want to do something good for your body, try going vegan for at least 7 days.  Note some of the changes that you experience. See how your body responds and metamorphose. It maybe a change you consider doing from time to time to give your body a reset. Like me, you may decide to say, “Ah screw it! I’M GOING VEGAN!” Either way, do something good for you. Your body will thank you for it!

• C A M M

More information about Spirulina and Chlorella:

https://www.nutrex-hawaii.com/blogs/learn/what-exactly-is-spirulina

https://draxe.com/7-proven-chlorella-benefits-side-effects/

https://greenblender.com/smoothies/2397/whats-the-difference-between-spirulina-and-chlorella

Fitting Forty: Shift

It has been about a year and a few days since I started this blog. My intention was to chronicle the experiences I encountered as a forty year old woman. In that time period, I find myself doing a lot of introspective work. I have looked in the mirror and shone a light on my dark places. I have not always liked what I found but I knew that those dark places needed to be embraced too because they are also an integral part of who I am.  So you may ask did I come to some conclusions about myself in my introspective journey? In some ways yes, and in some ways, no. I believe that the one conclusion that I have accepted in this journey is that things have and must always change.

I am a person that does not like change. I like stability. I like being comfortable. I do NOT like disruption. I do not react to change very well. I especially do not like change that happens to turn my world upside down. When that occurs, I feel lost. I feel like a blind person without a cane trying to navigate through life. When I feel lost, I become withdrawn and anxious and I have a difficult time coping. Often times the things I love the most get left behind. That is never a good thing because those are the very things that can help heal me the most.

When living on earth, we are subject to weather and seasonal changes. Our bodies are programmed to adjust to the seasons accordingly. When it is summer, we wear less layers. When it is winter, we start to wear hats and coats. We change accordingly. Seasonal changes do not only happen in physical realms but in meta-physical realms as well. When we experience a very drastic change, that is often the meta-physical realm reminding us that we need to shift with the seasons.

Adopting more mindful practices in my latter years, I am reminded of this. Although I know that there is a shift in my meta-physical environment and I need to adjust accordingly, I don’t always do it with grace. I have a tendency to get angry, pout, sulk, and become withdrawn. The self -care practices I normally indulge in like prayer and meditation, become very sporadic. When that happens, I find myself lost.

So now what? Do I take this shift laying down or do I learn to move with the tide? I need to move! I need to adjust. I need to shift and in the midst of the shifting, I need to embrace all that comes with it.

Change is scary. The reason why it is scary is because one does not know what is around the corner. We do not know what to expect. When we do not know what to expect, we move with much trepidation. That is very human. Even though this is the case, we have to realize that the only thing in life that is constant is change. We meet friends, we leave friends. We enter relationships and sometimes they dissolve. We work jobs and sometimes we lose jobs. These changes are a part of life and if in the midst of the change something is lost, it is important to realize the loss will not destroy you.

Change comes to make you resilient. Change comes to bring you strength. Change comes to make you realize that something has to die in order for something better to live. I have to remind myself of this everyday. I don’t always listen to my own advice but I know I am not the only one.

If you encounter a change that makes you fretful, you need to shift accordingly. If you stay in the same gear when it is time to shift, you will burn out the very thing that keeps you going. Recognize the movement of the tide and move appropriately. When you embrace the change and shift , you open yourself to more opportunities that you would not have had if you stayed in that previous place. With that being said, time grab the gear.

• C.A.M.M.

 

Fitting Forty: Spring Cleaning – Rejections

I work a 9-5 office job and like my fellow office dwellers, I often find online content to pass time in-between manipulating spreadsheets and creating contracts. Online content can range from listening to cable news (often too endowed with what Trump tweeted today), music steaming sites, watching the latest Dog vs Cat videos, or listening to podcasts. My favorite podcast is hosted by two friends (Nicolia and Jessica) called Become SHE.

-IG/FB @BecomeSHE

Website: http://www.becomeshe.com/

This Podcast is funny, insightful, and very candid. I can truly say that every episode these ladies have posted (available on stitcher, soundcloud and iheartradio) have made me do some introspective work and I know I have become better for it. One of their latest episodes, SHE saves NO ONE, one of the hosts, Jessica, gave the audience a homework assignment to spring clean our rejections. This post is answering that call and doing my homework.

I recently dissolved a relationship that had a second go round. Leading up to the dissolve, things just were not right and I could feel it. There was definitely a disconnect and I just did not know why. Day and night, I would pray/chant about our relationship because I really wanted it to work. Time was spent together and I love you’s were exchanged. He was also the first man that made me feel safe and stable and I did not want to throw it away. Unfortunately, I could feel the distance more and more between him and I and it was extremely unsettling.

About two weeks prior, I received a string of waistbeads I ordered in the mail from Alaiyo Waistbeads . I was educated about waistbeads from my friend and yoga instructor (Sabrina) along with the proprietor of Alaiyo Waistbeads. Waistbeads can have massive benefits for those who wear them.  To know more about waistbeads, check out the previous post on 3-19-2018 called Fitting Forty: “I Do” written by guest blogger and my yoga teacher Sabrina Ewell. Waistbeads actually help you reconnect to your center and rediscover your own endless reservoir of beauty, power, balance, and being. After I did my own ceremony and spoke my intentions over them, I went to yoga class and had Sabrina (the fore mentioned yoga instructor) tie my beads on.  My main intention over my beads was to make a commitment to myself to be truthful with me, no matter how painful the truth was.

IG/FB: @alaiyowaistbeads

Website: https://www.alaiyo.net/

The week that followed the tie, my beads felt tighter than before. I also felt a bit sluggish and more sullen. At the time, I did not realize how this relationship was affecting me. One day during my evening prayers, I was in silent meditation. During that time, I could hear a clear voice speak to me saying,“Let go”. I could feel my spirit resonate with the voice. I decided to be in agreement with whatever letting go entailed. I then closed my prayer time and went to sleep.

The next day, I woke up and started to get ready for work. As I was brushing my teeth, I looked down and saw that my beads fell. At first, I thought I broke them during the night time, but they were still tied to me. In actuality, they loosened. I pulled on them a couple of times just to make sure. When I saw they actually loosened, I knew it was a confirmation that I was letting go like I was told to do.

Not too long after that encounter, the relationship ended. It was painful to do but it needed to happen. It was a physical manifestation of what already transpired spiritually. The nail that sealed the coffin was a guidance that I read by SGI President Daisaku Ikeda. He wrote:

“In a relationship, it is demeaning to constantly seek your partner’s approval. Such relationships are bereft of real caring, depth or even love. For those of you who find yourselves in relationships where you are not treated the way your heart says you should be, I hope you will have the courage and dignity to decide that you are better off risking the scorn of your partner than enduring unhappiness with him or her.”

So my prayers are answered and I am letting go right? Well, it was the beginning of letting go. In the process, I realized that one of the reasons why I willingly re-entered the relationship is that I was carrying around rejections from childhood and I was using this as a cover to mask my very old wounds. These rejections that I carried affected my self esteem and relationships I had with men and I did not even realize it. The Universe wasn’t just telling me to let go of just the relationship, I was being told to let go of the rejections that held me hostage for the majority of my life.

As you can imagine, there was a lot to unpack. I had to do some major soul searching. My prayers then changed that the dark places of my rejections be uncovered and asking for strength to start the healing process. Looking at the rejections were painful and at times heart wrenching, but necessary. Doing the work made me see clearer, made me look at myself with loving eyes, and caused me to start walking in freedom.

Have you ever looked at your life and wonder what’s holding you back? What is causing you not to move forward? What is arresting you in your very soul? Could it be you are holding on to rejections from your past? If you are, I promise it is affecting your present. If you do not illuminate you rejections, you are also negatively impacting your future.

With Spring now upon us, I invite you do some cleaning inwardly. Look into the very depths of yourself you are afraid to sojourn to. Identify every hurt, every wound, and every rejection. Think of as wound washing and using spiritual saline. Invite light and love to heal you so you can walk into a more prosperous future. If you got to pray, chant, meditate, do therapy, or all the above to start the healing process; DO IT! Life is too short to live unhappy and unfulfilled. Beloved, it is time to let go and heal. It is time to live your best life. Be happy. Be free.

• CAMM